La Maison Du Vide
Why HELLO there, reader! How are ya? It's always lovely talking to ya. Tell me, are you sick of being slapped with a lawsuit every time your darling house snatches up the neighbors and animals off the street at night? Are you tired of jolting awake after hearing a heavy, thick gulp and some occasional "Delectable!" ten minutes into your REM cycle? Is the word 'liability' doing a real number on you?
Well, you're in LUCK!
Here are a few tips to help you assist the process of training:
ESTABLISH A SCHEDULE
1) All houses are crepuscular, which means that they are most active at dawn and dusk, when the sun is rising and setting. It's normal for them to behave and sleep a lot during the day. Any skeptical owners can rightfully call a home expert, but they'll all say the same thing: do not pay any heed to your house's nighttime shenanigans. Spraying the chimney with ice water or briskly stomping against the floorboards will inadvertently reinforce its behavior.
2) Young houses are naturally difficult to get under any schedule. Consider their age and diet. You might find success in spacing out your house's meals so that it's hungrier during the day and is well fed at night to help it rest.
a) Carnivorous houses enjoy having watermelons filled with fresh chicken entrails. If you are averse to the idea of live sacrifices, then you can definitely look into your local Arby's and bin-dive for some nice turkey giblets.
INCREASE DAYTIME ACTIVITY LEVEL AND PROVIDE ADEQUATE ENRICHMENT ACTIVITIES
1) At least three sessions of playtime a day should help distract your house from becoming bored, and it will likely not snatch up anyone under your supervision.
SPAY/NEUTER YOUR HOME
1) Pretty self-explanatory. Benefits of spaying/neutering your home include: reduced chances of losing neighbors and trick-or-treaters now that Spooktober is rapidly approaching, no more increase in liabilities, no more heat cycles and temperamental changes, no more urges to find a house-mate, which reduces the tendency to wander the neighborhoods and gobble up everyone.
SEEK BABA YAGA'S ASSISTANCE (LAST RESORT)
1) Baba Yaga is an ogress who steals kids in a giant bucket, steering with a broom, and takes them to her hut in the woods, which is very alive and aimlessly wanders the forest on long, spindly chicken legs. Now, I know it sounds off-putting and dangerous, and that's because it is, but if you need it, you will know where it is.
2) Anyone who seeks Baba Yaga's assistance is advised to befriend Baba Yaga's gate, dogs, and cats (you will not encounter her two sisters, Baba Yaga and Baba Yaga, if you're lucky enough; plan ahead, otherwise you run the risk of being one of the unfortunate ones who didn't act with appropriate foresight).
YOU HAVE SURVIVED. GOOD NIGHT.
“Sometimes you go through things that seem huge at the time, like a mysterious glowing cloud devouring your entire community. While they're happening, they feel like the only thing that matters and you can hardly imagine that there's a world out there that might have anything else going on. And then the glow cloud moves on. And you move on. And the event is behind you. And you may find, as time passes, that you remember it less and less. Or absolutely not at all, in my case.”
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